Decisions, decisions....

It seems as if every time I turn around anymore there is another decision to be made.

 I am  frankly tired of making decisions!!

  You know they come in all shapes and sizes too. Seems like as soon as the alarm goes off  in the morning the decisions start flowing....

What to wear?

Do I hit snooze again or get up this time?

Do I pull my hair up today or wear it down?

Make up or no make up?

What's for breakfast....hot or cold?

Slippers or socks?

Tackle the stack of files to be updated or put them off another day?

Make this call or that call?

Do I keep my mouth shut or not?

Do I smart off at my spouse or just bottle it up?

Do I smile and pretend that everything is just fine?

Or do I run away and not look back?

***

Still on my mind

  Why are people so eager to be mean to one another?

  Monday was Valentines Day, it's a day that signifies love, caring and romance. So why is it then that my spouse is so eager to be totally cruel to our oldest son? My son is an amazing person, he is gifted beyond belief with his brain and eye for detail. He finally has happiness of his own with his girlfriend, and yet my spouse seems to want to squash what happiness he has found outside of the family.
  I had suggested to him that he take his girlfriend out for supper since he was going to be the one driving his father up to the cities for a few appointments with a specialist. He thought it was a great idea, specially since he wouldn't be spending the day with her at school. So he went out and bought her a dozen red roses, I had a vase for him along with some clear and red stones to put in the base. He tied a ribbon around them and was excited to give them to her....I got to enjoy them for 2 days!!
  Anyways on the big day, a friend ended up driving my spouse thus making it an easy for my son to surprise his girlfriend at school. They both ended up coming over here after school, then he was able to give her the flowers and I told him to still take her out. No biggie for me....the only thing I expected him to do for me was to put gas back in my vehicle!
  So enter Mr. Grouch!! He literally refused to speak to him and punished him from going out until further notice all because he didn't get his father's permission to go!!! Seriously what a jerk, yes I get that he should have asked him also, but come on it was my idea!! So even though he had tried in all honesty the night before to speak with his father about this very thing, he still gets punished. Talk about unfair and I am refusing to go along with it. Simple as that.

Morning thoughts...

Morning has come, it's Valentines Day and I sit here all alone deep in thought...

  I have a card unsigned in my dresser drawer for my spouse. I have thought enough at least to buy it, however when it comes to signing it that is a different story all together. Why does he deserve a card? He really hasn't done much to prove or show his love towards me. Frankly he has shown more animosity, disgust and hatred towards me as of late.
  Early this morning he left with a family friend to go up to the cities to see yet another specialist. This one is supposed to either confirm or deny the fact that he needs a liver transplant. (Thanks to my family doctor for urging him to see yet another one! yes there is sarcasm in my voice and thoughts today) I personally hope he does need one; well I know that is awful to say but it would possibly explain his temperament.
  Then again why do I need to worry about him and his moods? Why do I let it affect me so? Why can't I just seem to shake free from all of this?
  Is it the desire to be loved, wanted and cared about? Who doesn't want that?! Specially on this day of celebrating love and relationships. While I constantly contemplate divorce, where I would go, how I would live, what I would do and then some. Ugh it is all so mind boggling to consider.
 Just last week, this past Thursday I was making a call to a service center for my sons truck and discussing what needed to be done. Well actually I was relating what needed to be done because my spouse was on the couch barking at me what he wanted. He kept rolling his eyes, making disgusted faces at me and just being rude. So I did what any other normal frustrated person would do and handed him the phone! He refused it and said " I don't want to talk to them, you do it!!!" I said ," nope." and put the phone in his lap and started to walk away....in his frustration and anger at me he literally threw the phone at me, it hit me in the back of my right leg and bounced off and hit the TV cabinet in the living room. Was I scared? NO, I was literally torqued off to beat all hell. How can a grown man be so immature as to not want to deal with or even a simple call? Come to think of it now, I should have called the police and had a report made, hmmm hind sight. I was more concerned with what was possibly next on his list of tantrums and out rages. He did continue to yell at me, ""After daycare is over today YOU can go straight to the storage and get out as many suitcases as you need. Then you come back here and pack your shit and get out of MY house!!!"" 
  Oddly I am still here, why that is I don't know. Any normal person would have left, right?! I must be dependant on all this crap, it's the only thing that I can figure out. But why??? Maybe it's because I want to fight for what is mine, for what I have worked so hard for. This is my home too.

One of those days...

  I have definitely had one of those days for the past few months!!

Lets start things off with a very special present from the IRS~they decided that it was in their best interest to audit me for 2008 and 2009. Now normally it doesn't bother me that 'Big Brother' is watching over us. However I really felt picked upon with the audit. I felt and still do to some extent that my book keeping is not quite good enough for them. See I spend hours and hours of countless time doing my record keeping, filing (well I suck at filing), keeping my client files in order, detailing everything down to the last cent well you get my drift. All for what?
 It just seems like my holidays went by in a blurr, and I missed the beginning of the year. Not to mention what fun I should have had with my boys. Yes I did attempt to go sledding in the middle of it all, but honestly I don't remember it. My mind was elsewhere....audit and taxes, health concerns etc.
 I spent the better part of January working on details, re-adding totals, going over calendars, looking through countless piles of receipts. Not to mention the stacks and stacks of copies I had to produce to substantiate all of my documentation to good old 'Big Brother'.
 Then it was time to finally get my totals together for my year end (2010). Ok it would have been easier to do if my spouse hadn't been over my shoulder the whole time and wanting to re-invent the wheel and  re-do all of my filing system at the very same time!! Lord knows I have put up with a ton from him, would and have done many nice things for him. But in all honesty I really didn't need his two cents or want it for that matter!! I know he was only trying to help, but instead he threw me totally off track. I have a certain order in which I do things, total this then go on to the next and so fourth. It's an accounting pattern, developed over several years of having to do so without so much as a finger lifted by him.
 So let's bring it all forward to today~ My accountant shows up a little after 1pm today. We start to go through all of my spread sheets and lists and what not. Then my husband decides he needs to add in his two cents and changes things around, we both get off track ( my accountant and I) and leave things off the taxes, forget a few items here and there. Which makes  a huge difference between getting a few hundred back and a few thousand!!! I swear I could just punch him....so I tell her to send me a pdf document of the taxes before she files them so I can go over them again and tweek them, because I just know items were left off.
 So my question to myself more than anyone else is why do I bother to work so hard? Why do I bother to try to get it all done? What good is it anyway? Specially if my husband keeps telling me that I am not good at  filing, record keeping, cleaning, cooking, raising my children etc................Sorry just a bit pissy.