I have a card unsigned in my dresser drawer for my spouse. I have thought enough at least to buy it, however when it comes to signing it that is a different story all together. Why does he deserve a card? He really hasn't done much to prove or show his love towards me. Frankly he has shown more animosity, disgust and hatred towards me as of late.
Early this morning he left with a family friend to go up to the cities to see yet another specialist. This one is supposed to either confirm or deny the fact that he needs a liver transplant. (Thanks to my family doctor for urging him to see yet another one! yes there is sarcasm in my voice and thoughts today) I personally hope he does need one; well I know that is awful to say but it would possibly explain his temperament.
Then again why do I need to worry about him and his moods? Why do I let it affect me so? Why can't I just seem to shake free from all of this?
Is it the desire to be loved, wanted and cared about? Who doesn't want that?! Specially on this day of celebrating love and relationships. While I constantly contemplate divorce, where I would go, how I would live, what I would do and then some. Ugh it is all so mind boggling to consider.
Just last week, this past Thursday I was making a call to a service center for my sons truck and discussing what needed to be done. Well actually I was relating what needed to be done because my spouse was on the couch barking at me what he wanted. He kept rolling his eyes, making disgusted faces at me and just being rude. So I did what any other normal frustrated person would do and handed him the phone! He refused it and said " I don't want to talk to them, you do it!!!" I said ," nope." and put the phone in his lap and started to walk away....in his frustration and anger at me he literally threw the phone at me, it hit me in the back of my right leg and bounced off and hit the TV cabinet in the living room. Was I scared? NO, I was literally torqued off to beat all hell. How can a grown man be so immature as to not want to deal with or even a simple call? Come to think of it now, I should have called the police and had a report made, hmmm hind sight. I was more concerned with what was possibly next on his list of tantrums and out rages. He did continue to yell at me, ""After daycare is over today YOU can go straight to the storage and get out as many suitcases as you need. Then you come back here and pack your shit and get out of MY house!!!""
Oddly I am still here, why that is I don't know. Any normal person would have left, right?! I must be dependant on all this crap, it's the only thing that I can figure out. But why??? Maybe it's because I want to fight for what is mine, for what I have worked so hard for. This is my home too.
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