Today has been a roller coaster of emotions, events and doings!
Let's start off with the emotions aspect of things....I could realy have slugged my spouse today! He has been so full of put downs, rude comments and just plain nastiness. There was one point today  That is unless he wants something from me or for me to do someting for him; like make a phone call to the attorney, the doctors office and ask this or that.  Really can he not see that I am working!! Lord give me strength not to knock some sense into him. I kid you not, I was feeding an infant, dealing with another who was puking and had lunch cooking on the stove for the rest of my group. He thinks that it was a fine time to tell me I need to make a call for him!! Umm not! Hello Mr. Jerk, I am busy and looks like I have a lot going on right at the moment. So what does he do? He makes a rude comment about how I am letting him down, and not putting his needs above those of my group. Ummm Whatever dude! So I just roll my eyes at him and continue on with taking care of the kids and my daily routine. He then starts to pout like a child.....Seriously!! So of course I feel bad, I put down the infant, turn the flame down on the stove so lunch doesn't burn and handle the calls for him. Yea I know, I gave in again. I do it all the time. No need to beat myself  up over it, what's done is done.
 so seriously the rest of my day goes on like on this, yes there are some ups and downs. I know that every relationship has it's rocky  points along the way, but I really feel like I put up with more than the average person. Last night I was so tired, literally exhausted mentally as well as physically. I kept being asked, ' what's for supper mom? what's for supper?' So  me being the trooper and the freaking energizer bunny starts offering choices for supper. Guess what they all were shot down by none other than Mr. Jerk!! So then I offer to go get take out and list off just about every place in our town. You know what I get? I get faces made at me instead of words!! Really, like he's a 2yr old now. Finally was able to get chinese and hopefully satisfy the man. Umm NOPE, he wanted only beef in his beef and broccoli so he had me take out all the veggies for him. Ok supper is finally over and he is still being acting like a jerk. He continuously tells the kids he is "pissed at their mom". So I ask the simple question why, all well knowing why he is still upset. He tells the boys he's up set with me because I left the backdoor open at 3:30am to let the dogs out and went back to bed for another half hour. Oh and that it woke him up from him sleeping! Good grief, he should just get over it and accept it. Hmmm, I seem to remember at the beginning of the month he was the one who told me that if I was tired to just go to bed and the boys and him would fend for themselves. I wonder whatever happened to that? Because i seriously told my family I was tired several times last night and they all kept saying oh mom the movie is almost over you have to watch it with us. All while my oldest was making bets with his father for $20 that I would fall asleep!! Hmmm some family!!

Random Thoughts....

 Early mornings are my peaceful time, the time I can sit and think and be alone with my thoughts. It's my time to create. Time that I know I need to heal.
 Healing from the inside out. Really though what do I need heal? I often think about this, it's not like I am damaged goods or anything. It's not like I have been wounded or am deformed. But I am hurting, hurting deep down to be loved and appreciated.
 Love....What is it that I desire? I want to be held, told that everything is going to be ok. I want someone to take care of me for a change. Someone to be there in my time of need. Someone who is not there to judge, just be there to listen. I don't need anymore advice or another perspective on my life, I am living it the best way I know I can. Accept me for me.
Tired.... I am tired of being the strong one. The one that everybody goes to when there is a problem or new crisis. The friend who is always there for everybody, the person who seems to never tire. Who always has the energy to do what needs to be done. The strong one.
 Strength....Where do I find it? Why do I seem to be the one who always  has the strength to go on? Strength to me is a person who can conquer their own fears, stand up for what they believe in and what they know in their heart is the right thing. Sstrength comes from  my heart.
 Heart....my heart keeps beating, keeps wanting, keeps growing with every passing moment. For the love I have to offer is unyeilding, undieing and overflowing.

Overwhelmed....

 Well I have been keeping to myself for quite long time now. I know on the outside that I keep up my appearance of being strong and positive. However really on the inside I am crumbling from the weight of the situation.
 See here I am a woman who is trying to do it all. Have a great family, be successful in my own business, keep up to date on style and trends and above all be happy. Really what is happiness? Is it the thought of having a loving husband, loving children and friends? I really don't know anymore.
 Part of my problem is the fact that my husband is slowly dieing from Chronic Liver Disease. I am not in denial about it, or at least I tell myself that. He once was a man of strength, a man whom I thought I could love and grow old with. Now he is just another person in my life that I must take care of. Please don't get me wrong here, I do love him for the man he once was, for being the father of my children and for those wonderful times we did share together. However I am not in love with him anymore. I stay because of  my faith and because I can't leave him in his time of need. Maybe it's better that I say I love him just not in the same way anymore.
 Lately the days are getting longer and more stressful for me because I have chosen to work six days a week to help pick up the slack. The slack; that being bring in more income and get used to being a Single Mom. See I feel that I am realist. I see the future and what it holds for me and my children. I know that eventually he won't be in the house, that I will be doing this all alone. Alone....
 So my days are filled, actually packed with everyday things. Working 16 hr days,trying to run a successful business and everything that goes along with that, running a home, raising my children, being involved in the community, volunteering at my kids activities, showing support for their interests, and also adding on being a  personal secretary or scheduler for my ailing spouse and his dimwitted mother who is really not a peach to deal with.(I'll cover her another day!) Yet some say that my plate is full, I say there is still some room on there for me somewhere......someday down the road.

My Sister, my friend

My sister may not have always been the nicest person to me growing up, but she was my sister and my best friend first and foremost. Yes there were many times that we got on each others nerves, fought like cats and dogs and just frankly annoyed the heck out of each other But we were sisters and that's what sisters do.
I remember a long time ago when we were probably about 8 yrs & 4yrs (I am the youngest) and my Mom & Dad had purchased a new home on the other side of town, a huge two story home where we got to pick our own rooms and decorate them several different ways through the years. Well this one day we (the family) all got in Dad's old '32 ford pick up truck and drove over to the new house.....to check on the construction was Dad's reasoning. Mom's was to plan out where the furniture would go and see the Fields behind the house. Well my Mom took it upon herself to dress both of us girls in these "Holly Hobbie" outfits right down to the hats!! My sister was all for dressing up and pretending to be Laura Ingalls and all, and there I was stuck in this stupid dress with this stupid hat and having to actually wear it. Yes I hated dresses then and still do. Well along comes my sister all dressed in her outfit and she says to me,"come on Jo it's not that bad, do it for Mom please? I'll give you my super ball." Well that sealed the deal! I put on that dress and bonnet and stuck my hand out in anticipation of the 'super ball'. Little did I know that I would never get that ball but instead by going along with my sister, I in turn have one of the fondest memories of her and that time.
I lost my sister when she was only 32yrs. to chicken pox. She left behind two wonderful daughters, they were still very young only 10yrs & 8 yrs. old. It is these memories that I have of their mother that I hope someday they will want too, my Mother and Father have raised them since my Sister's passing and it just really seems that time has slipped away and they have grown up so fast not knowing their Mom as I do.
I miss and cherish my Sister, my Friend.

Bored? Me!

Some days I wake up and think it would be so nice to move back home to California. Then there are those days that I think it would be nice to live anywhere but where I do live. Then I have have those wonderful thoughts of living my life on a tropical island!! But for some strange reason I come back to reality!!! Darn it!!
My life is good, I really have no complaints. So then why is it that I feel restless? Could it be that I'm bored? How can I be bored....I work full time at home as a daycare provider with 12 kids daily (yes I have a helper or two!), work at night as a book keeper, try to get in my workouts 3x a wk, am a mother of 2 very active boys, a wife and keep up with my friends and go out every Tues..................One would think that I can't possibly be bored! Maybe I'm wanting more out of life....who knows.
As the school year approaches I am getting more and more antsy, not because I am excited to see the joy on my boys faces or the excitement in them ........... I am feeling lost this year, don't know what it is yet. I will of course be happy and cheerful and keep up with all levels of joy and excitement for my family. Just somewhere inside I feel empty, like there is something missing. Is this how it is when you start aging....like there is something being left out, or lacking, maybe hopeful of what is to come yet bothered by it at the same time...........Oh I just wish my mind would stop spinning and I could enjoy my family and my thoughts...........ugh.

Memorial Day ....
Before when I was younger and didn't really have a care in the world. My days were filled with running through the fields behind our house in Poway, Ca. going to the park, riding my bike, exploring the woods to the south of the fields, building tree forts, going to the 7-Eleven to get a slurppie and just having fun growing up with the security that all would be well in my own little world.
As I grew older, maybe even matured a bit I found I had a voice. I really didn't use it that well though, except for being the typical teen smart ass and thinking that I know everything! I would take off with my so called friends driving to the beach, skipping school, and yes getting into trouble. Even once in while I would join in a cause...mostly the Green Peace folks....you know the ones who protest against mass fishing and such. I would protest with them and really get involved with it, I found my passion, and learned to use my voice for the right purpose.
After high school and entering into my early 20's and college years...I still thought that I knew it all. I didn't. My family taught me several things through the years. My Father especially did, he always told me that some day I would understand why I had such a passion for our country, Our Great Nation.
See I was raised in a Military family and there is nothing finer to me than knowing that my Father gave of himself so completely to a country that allows it's people to talk so openly, no matter how rude or indifferent they may be. He is the reason that I can speak so freely today and share my love for our country. For if it wasn't for his sacrifices, the sacrifices of the many men, women and families before him I wouldn't be here writing this today.
Thank you to all the service men, women and many many families of the armed forces, for if it weren't for you who dedicated your lives for us, we would not be the Great Nation We Are Today.