Restless

  Some days I wake up and think it would be so nice to move back home to California. Then there are those days that I think it would be nice to live anywhere but where I do live. Then I have have those wonderful thoughts of living my life on a tropical island!! But for some strange reason I come back to reality!!! Darn it!!
  My life is good, I really have no complaints. So then why is it that I feel restless? Could it be that I'm bored? How can I be bored....I work full time at home as a daycare provider with 12 kids daily, work at night as a book keeper, try to get in my workouts 3x a wk, am a mother of 2 very active boys, a wife and keep up with my friends and go out every Tues. One would think that I can't possibly be bored! Maybe I'm wanting more out of life....who knows.
  As the holiday approaches I am getting more and more antsy, not because I am excited to see the joy on my boys faces or the excitement in them. I am feeling lost this year, don't know what it is yet. I will of course be happy and cheerful and keep up with all levels of joy and excitement for my family. Just somewhere inside I feel empty, like there is something missing. Is this how it is when you start aging? Like there is something being left out, or lacking, maybe hopeful of what is to come yet bothered by it at the same time. Oh I just wish my mind would stop spinning and I could enjoy my family and my thoughts...........ugh!
  I think my problem is knowing all too well what is to come, having accepted it and already mentally moved on. Maybe it's not a good idea to think or look into the future. Maybe it's better to go blindly on. Then again that wouldn't be me at all, that would be like following your nose through life without any direction. I admit that not having plans or direction can be fun and spontaneous at times. However when one is facing life without another it is wise to make the plans than go blindly into the dark. I seem to question everything I do, yet I don't answer. Instead I move forward and don't bother to look back. I know deep down inside I am crying. Crying to be loved and appreciated but I don't have the time to stop and enjoy the little moments. The moments where I know I can find happiness and solitude...peace. Instead I make my plans, take care of what needs to be taken care of, do what I must to continue on, do what needs to be done to ensure a life of comfort and go on without want or desire for my boys. After all they are the reason I never quit, never give up or throw in the towel....They are my reason to smile.

9 Words Women Use and Their REAL Meaning

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Christmas Traditions

  Several years ago I can remember a discussion that my DH and I had in regards to Christmas Traditions and what we wanted to bring to our family and pass down to our boys. You know all the experiences we remembered as a young kid at Christmas time.

  My hubby said that he would like it if we could always open gifts on Christmas Eve, because that is what his mother taught them to do, then they would have the big Christmas meal afterwards and all go to sleep. Santa was never talked about, nor did he ever stop~very sad in my opinion. Then on Christmas morning they would just get up and play with the new toys as if it wasn't a special day or anything, not even head to church. And his mother never liked to wrap anything, and refused to waste money on bows or big trees~theirs was a table top one!! I know when I found this out I was set to change what Christmas was for him, and to make each year after we got together a magical time.
  I remember I had explained that Christmas in my home growing up was a magical night, we would always get a new robe or slippers to go along with our matching new PJ's. Mom or Dad would read us a story or just make one up and it always centered around me and my sis doing something fun. Then we go up to our rooms and try to sleep, although we always strained to hear Santa and his Reindeer on the roof!! I remember one time we actually did see him out behind our house in the fields standing next to a huge eucalyptus tree~eating the bark. Daddy said he was stopping a snack because we forgot to leave carrots along with the cookies!! We never made that mistake again!! Then I further explained that on Christmas morning we would sneak as quietly as we could down the stairs and first go to the tree and see what Santa had left us, sometimes he wrapped the gifts if he had extra paper and sometimes he didn't because it wasn't our turn to have the gifts wrapped or he actually ran out and would put a tag with a big bow on it! Either way there was always a gift from Santa under that tree. Then my sis and I would go over to where are stockings were hung ( on the railing of the staircase ) and sneak a few bites of candy then we would run upstairs and pounce on our parents and yell with delight "He was here!! SANTA Came!! Come ON !!!!" Then Daddy would tickle and wrestle with us while Mom went about going down to the kitchen to put the coffee on and throw some cinnamon rolls in the oven or whatever else she felt like breaking out for a quick morning nibble with the coffee, she always had hot cocoa and marshmallows too for us girls! Then we would tear into the presents!!! There was always a huge mess of wrapping paper and bows thrown this way and that, there wasn't ever a disappointed face in the room on Christmas mornings or all day for that matter. We always had a really nice supper with a ham and the fixings....we even got dressed just for supper too!!

  So after all this time, what is our tradition now with our children~Well you just read it!! I figured why change a thing, my Mom instilled the meaning and the traditions. My boys remind me of me and my sister when were younger on every Christmas Morning.

My Biggest Pet-Peeve!!

Toilet paper. Now I know it has a very useful purpose, believe me we all don't want to go back to using a leaf ! Although I threaten my family with the thought of this. Now like most people I to have the extra rolls stored easily and conveniently above the toilet in a clean cabinet. Some store the little rolls in cute stands designed just for them. Kuddos to the person who thought those up!! Probably some lazy man, who got tired of drip drying because they didn't want to replace the roll!! This leads me to my pet peeve......Why is it that not a single person besides me can replace the damn roll?! I mean come on it's not that difficult . And why is it that no-one can seem to take the empty roll and throw it away? Instead I them every where but where they belong. I found them hiding behind the toilet, under the cabinet, in a corner you name it! It's like they are playing Hide and Seek or something. Then I turn hopefully thinking that someone else did the unthinkable and replace the roll........NOPE. Instead I find the new roll happily perched just on top of the spindle! WHY, I scream to myself, WHY!!!



Is it just me or does this happen all over?


Just wondering...........

My Life Today...

  Somebody once told me that life was short and to make the most of it......that somebody was my Mom.
  A long time ago I used to worry about impressing the 'Jones' of the the world. Always rushing about trying to look just right, act the right way and always trying to live up to someone Else's standards. Along the way I lost sight of whom I was and what I stood for.
 The realization came to me when I turned 40, that magical number in my life of maturity, real maturity. I no longer think of impressing people when I walk out of my house to run errands or how I look or even what comes out of my mouth. I now walk with a straight back, head held high and am proud of who I am.

 Who really cares what others think of you, I don't anymore. Why? Well for me that is simple: I have feel that I have earned the right to be me. That is I no longer feel compelled to always be the most upstanding citizen, the best dressed, on all the community activity boards with all the caddy people of the world. I have learned that being me is OK, and that I do count~no matter if you agree or disagree with me. That is the glory of being mature, knowing that your opinion is just that an opinion and nothing more.

  So who am I really, well I am a Daughter, a Sister, a Wife, an Aunt, and the most important title is I am a MOM. Now with all those titles there are several others, but who cares we all carry these extra titles from day to day. Some of us have nothing better to do than to complain about life, I for one though see each and every day as a blessing, another chance to teach my boys all the things that I know my sister never had the chance to. I see the world as just that, a world that is vast, many different opinions, many different opportunities and many challenges.

  Challenge is a good thing, take me. I am just like you. I read the headlines, shake my head at what is horrible or sad, smile at the good things and wish for the best for my kids, always striving to get ahead, putting money away for that rainy day(that seems to never come) wanting more for my kids, always trying, that's it. Nothing more.

  I am me. I am a woman. I love simple and true. This is my LIFE and I am making the most of every day. YOU should do the same........

My Fondest Thanksgiving Memory

  When I was a young girl I used to love it when my parents would take me to the Cuyamaca Mountains in southern California. We would go for the change of the seasons from our typical warm non humid days of summer to the crisp clean air of the mountains.
  The colors were beautiful, the open space to roam and explore. Just the shear pleasure of running through the fields with out a care in the world. Turning over rocks to find a salamander....then running back to show my Dad that I wasn't afraid of the creepy crawlies. Unlike my older sister who seemed to have an aversion to the worms, snakes and bugs in general. Then to climbing trees and seeing who can be most daring. Always yelling out to our parents, "Look, Look, Look at me!!"
  I remember one special holiday weekend, I will never forget how my mother worked so hard to prepare our feast picnic. Yes it was Thanksgiving and my parents decided to load up our family van (it was more like a camper to me and my sis) and take us up to the mountains to enjoy nature at it's finest. My Mom had made sure that we had all the usual fixings and items we were use to eating just in a different form. I love the fact that my Mom was creative too back then just as she is today. However she introduced us girls to the best turkey sandwiches ever!! I remember she had made them on pumpernickle bread with sweet mustard, stuffing and fresh cranberries too. Dad made sure to eat 3 or 4 of them before we all decided it was time to take a nap in the cool mountain air.

  It was on this trip to the mountains that I realized seeing the change in the seasons was absolutely beautiful. All the colors of the trees, the hill sides fading from deep reds to lighter oranges with a splash of yellow here and there. The soft rustling of the leaves in the lighter breeze. The smell of nature is so hard to describe but to me it was like the smell of pumpkins, fresh rain and good clean dirt. I know that sounds wierd but I just know the smell to me~kinda like cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves simmering on the stop. Just that rustic smell.

                              ~That would be Autumn to me, and still is to this date~

                             

Thankfulness

  Thankfulness....Have you ever thought about what it is you are really thankful for? Recently I did, and I found out that I am most thankful  for being me! Odd as it might sound. Specially when most people will offer up that they are thankful for their health, their family, their home, even their dog.
 I was asked just last night by my spouse if I am happy, if  I am thankful for what he has been able to provide me. I  didn't answer right away, I had to think about. See I could do without the house, the cars, the toys, the furnishings, the nick knacks, etc. I had to sit back and explain it in simple terms. I am thankful for what love and friendship we once shared. I am thankful for what has come out of that union. But to be honest with him and myself I am most thankful for being able to stand up for myself and express my feelings, wants and desires. Now what he chooses to do with it is his business. 
 
                                  

Morning Splendor

Today brings in 6 little angles all snuggled and wrapped tight in their blankets. Their moms dart in and out like squirrels scurrying for food in the Autumn leaves. Quick little kisses on the cheeks as they say goodbye and promises of not being too long.
The first little princess squirms and rolls over while clinging to her bunny and lets out a heavy sigh. Then the next group of munchkins all toss and turn trying to find that comfortable spot. It's amazing to see how they all snuggle together to play in dreamland. Then the queen bee has to have her own space, no sharing of blankets or pillows for her. That is just not done!
All is once again quiet in the daycare house....time for a book and cafe'

This is one of my favorite places to hike and explore.

I often visit here in my mind during the winter.

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions, events and doings!
Let's start off with the emotions aspect of things....I could realy have slugged my spouse today! He has been so full of put downs, rude comments and just plain nastiness. There was one point today  That is unless he wants something from me or for me to do someting for him; like make a phone call to the attorney, the doctors office and ask this or that.  Really can he not see that I am working!! Lord give me strength not to knock some sense into him. I kid you not, I was feeding an infant, dealing with another who was puking and had lunch cooking on the stove for the rest of my group. He thinks that it was a fine time to tell me I need to make a call for him!! Umm not! Hello Mr. Jerk, I am busy and looks like I have a lot going on right at the moment. So what does he do? He makes a rude comment about how I am letting him down, and not putting his needs above those of my group. Ummm Whatever dude! So I just roll my eyes at him and continue on with taking care of the kids and my daily routine. He then starts to pout like a child.....Seriously!! So of course I feel bad, I put down the infant, turn the flame down on the stove so lunch doesn't burn and handle the calls for him. Yea I know, I gave in again. I do it all the time. No need to beat myself  up over it, what's done is done.
 so seriously the rest of my day goes on like on this, yes there are some ups and downs. I know that every relationship has it's rocky  points along the way, but I really feel like I put up with more than the average person. Last night I was so tired, literally exhausted mentally as well as physically. I kept being asked, ' what's for supper mom? what's for supper?' So  me being the trooper and the freaking energizer bunny starts offering choices for supper. Guess what they all were shot down by none other than Mr. Jerk!! So then I offer to go get take out and list off just about every place in our town. You know what I get? I get faces made at me instead of words!! Really, like he's a 2yr old now. Finally was able to get chinese and hopefully satisfy the man. Umm NOPE, he wanted only beef in his beef and broccoli so he had me take out all the veggies for him. Ok supper is finally over and he is still being acting like a jerk. He continuously tells the kids he is "pissed at their mom". So I ask the simple question why, all well knowing why he is still upset. He tells the boys he's up set with me because I left the backdoor open at 3:30am to let the dogs out and went back to bed for another half hour. Oh and that it woke him up from him sleeping! Good grief, he should just get over it and accept it. Hmmm, I seem to remember at the beginning of the month he was the one who told me that if I was tired to just go to bed and the boys and him would fend for themselves. I wonder whatever happened to that? Because i seriously told my family I was tired several times last night and they all kept saying oh mom the movie is almost over you have to watch it with us. All while my oldest was making bets with his father for $20 that I would fall asleep!! Hmmm some family!!

Random Thoughts....

 Early mornings are my peaceful time, the time I can sit and think and be alone with my thoughts. It's my time to create. Time that I know I need to heal.
 Healing from the inside out. Really though what do I need heal? I often think about this, it's not like I am damaged goods or anything. It's not like I have been wounded or am deformed. But I am hurting, hurting deep down to be loved and appreciated.
 Love....What is it that I desire? I want to be held, told that everything is going to be ok. I want someone to take care of me for a change. Someone to be there in my time of need. Someone who is not there to judge, just be there to listen. I don't need anymore advice or another perspective on my life, I am living it the best way I know I can. Accept me for me.
Tired.... I am tired of being the strong one. The one that everybody goes to when there is a problem or new crisis. The friend who is always there for everybody, the person who seems to never tire. Who always has the energy to do what needs to be done. The strong one.
 Strength....Where do I find it? Why do I seem to be the one who always  has the strength to go on? Strength to me is a person who can conquer their own fears, stand up for what they believe in and what they know in their heart is the right thing. Sstrength comes from  my heart.
 Heart....my heart keeps beating, keeps wanting, keeps growing with every passing moment. For the love I have to offer is unyeilding, undieing and overflowing.

Overwhelmed....

 Well I have been keeping to myself for quite long time now. I know on the outside that I keep up my appearance of being strong and positive. However really on the inside I am crumbling from the weight of the situation.
 See here I am a woman who is trying to do it all. Have a great family, be successful in my own business, keep up to date on style and trends and above all be happy. Really what is happiness? Is it the thought of having a loving husband, loving children and friends? I really don't know anymore.
 Part of my problem is the fact that my husband is slowly dieing from Chronic Liver Disease. I am not in denial about it, or at least I tell myself that. He once was a man of strength, a man whom I thought I could love and grow old with. Now he is just another person in my life that I must take care of. Please don't get me wrong here, I do love him for the man he once was, for being the father of my children and for those wonderful times we did share together. However I am not in love with him anymore. I stay because of  my faith and because I can't leave him in his time of need. Maybe it's better that I say I love him just not in the same way anymore.
 Lately the days are getting longer and more stressful for me because I have chosen to work six days a week to help pick up the slack. The slack; that being bring in more income and get used to being a Single Mom. See I feel that I am realist. I see the future and what it holds for me and my children. I know that eventually he won't be in the house, that I will be doing this all alone. Alone....
 So my days are filled, actually packed with everyday things. Working 16 hr days,trying to run a successful business and everything that goes along with that, running a home, raising my children, being involved in the community, volunteering at my kids activities, showing support for their interests, and also adding on being a  personal secretary or scheduler for my ailing spouse and his dimwitted mother who is really not a peach to deal with.(I'll cover her another day!) Yet some say that my plate is full, I say there is still some room on there for me somewhere......someday down the road.