Restless

  Some days I wake up and think it would be so nice to move back home to California. Then there are those days that I think it would be nice to live anywhere but where I do live. Then I have have those wonderful thoughts of living my life on a tropical island!! But for some strange reason I come back to reality!!! Darn it!!
  My life is good, I really have no complaints. So then why is it that I feel restless? Could it be that I'm bored? How can I be bored....I work full time at home as a daycare provider with 12 kids daily, work at night as a book keeper, try to get in my workouts 3x a wk, am a mother of 2 very active boys, a wife and keep up with my friends and go out every Tues. One would think that I can't possibly be bored! Maybe I'm wanting more out of life....who knows.
  As the holiday approaches I am getting more and more antsy, not because I am excited to see the joy on my boys faces or the excitement in them. I am feeling lost this year, don't know what it is yet. I will of course be happy and cheerful and keep up with all levels of joy and excitement for my family. Just somewhere inside I feel empty, like there is something missing. Is this how it is when you start aging? Like there is something being left out, or lacking, maybe hopeful of what is to come yet bothered by it at the same time. Oh I just wish my mind would stop spinning and I could enjoy my family and my thoughts...........ugh!
  I think my problem is knowing all too well what is to come, having accepted it and already mentally moved on. Maybe it's not a good idea to think or look into the future. Maybe it's better to go blindly on. Then again that wouldn't be me at all, that would be like following your nose through life without any direction. I admit that not having plans or direction can be fun and spontaneous at times. However when one is facing life without another it is wise to make the plans than go blindly into the dark. I seem to question everything I do, yet I don't answer. Instead I move forward and don't bother to look back. I know deep down inside I am crying. Crying to be loved and appreciated but I don't have the time to stop and enjoy the little moments. The moments where I know I can find happiness and solitude...peace. Instead I make my plans, take care of what needs to be taken care of, do what I must to continue on, do what needs to be done to ensure a life of comfort and go on without want or desire for my boys. After all they are the reason I never quit, never give up or throw in the towel....They are my reason to smile.